hate being lonely but hate being with people

i hate the overwhelming feeling of being completely and utterly alone. like, i try to push that thought to the back of my head most of the time but sometimes when i pick up my phone and realise i have no one to just call up and have a talk to, i sink into the realisation and well.. it sucks ass.

usually, i'm fine with it. i'm usually fine with having one bestfriend whom i see every two months or so.

it's probably my own sulky fault though, i cannot stand when people try to get close to me. i push everyone away as soon as i start to get attached, even when it's not in an romantic sense, just friends. i don't know.. sometimes i think i have trust issues and that is why i cannot maintain any friendship, i simply don't trust them. not in a way that they would run off and do something, or not tell me something important, in a way that when they say "you're beautiful, i'm glad we're friends" or something along those lines i don't believe them at all.

i can take compliments from complete strangers but not people who actualbly claim they 'care' for me. maybe that's because strangers aren't usually trying to suck up your ass, they're usually genuine because they will more than likely never see me again.

oh well, i have my cat and the internet. i'll survive fine with just that. i don't need anybody, it'd just be nice, i guess.